Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
