Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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