you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
