i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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