It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
