Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
