smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
