I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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