your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
