I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
