Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
