I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
