First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Randomize
