Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
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