just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
