I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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