Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize