i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
