Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
