i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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