Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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