my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
