Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Randomize
