I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
