Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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