the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
