she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
