she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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