I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
