If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just gift wrapped bread.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Randomize
