Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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