I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Randomize