Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
