I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
