Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
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