My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
