When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
