did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Everything about him screamed your future.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
