I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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