I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
