The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize