he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Come back. Shots need mouths.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
