just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
