Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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