i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
