The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
