Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
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