yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
