Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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