yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
