Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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