i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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