You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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