I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
