I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
