Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
