dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
He kissed a someone with a penis
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Randomize
